Back in October of 2010 I wrote a post on abhinivesa. Abhinivesa is the idea that we as mortals cling to bodily life and material possessions. Dancing with a professional company is taxing physically and mentally because of the powerful attachment to your work. A dancer’s work is illustrated by and through the body with all its limitations and imperfections. It's not like you can physically leave your work at the office. The body also becomes a storage unit carrying around the effects of your work all the time. A good rehearsal reflects on your mental state, as does a bad or painful rehearsal. On the good days in particular, when the body feels supple and strong and the dancing is at its best I find myself thinking about the next audition, the next gig, the next show. “I’m on my game! I’ve gotta work it!”  This internal attitude paints a portrait of a mild obsession…and yes ALL dancers are obsessed. It’s a discipline and a ritual, which is why I find practicing yoga so satisfying. Every day it’s the same routine and if I miss a day of class or a day of conditioning or even miss an exercise in class feelings of guilt and inadequacy arise. If I don’t keep refining my technique I won’t progress and will in fact regress. Therefore “my work” will slip away from me. I must pack in as much dancing as I can while I can before I become irrelevant in the profession. The urgency with which I sense this tacit expiration date is increasing. The work that goes into preparing for an audition or a performance is as excruciating as it is exhilarating. I've got to "drink the milk before it spoils" so to speak.

Because I'm so intricately aligned with my work, I’m clearly very attached to it. I’m literally attached to my body, I’m attached to my ideas about my body and I’m attached to what others think about my body and therefore my work. Sometimes I wish I could detach from what I do in the same way those nine to fivers can once the clock strikes 5:00pm. The ballet world is insular--no secret there-- and once you are in it, you can’t help but dig deeper and deeper into your work. The deeper the dancer delves, the faster the "real" world fades away. You either want to be part of the ballet world or as far away as you can get from it. I haven’t found an in between yet, so please call me to let me know if you have! Oscillating between the pedestrian world and the ballet world is no easy feat. In one, you are fine, just like everyone else... who cares what others think...in the latter you're not like everyone else and it matters too much what they think. Ultimately, abhinivesa is the story of a dancer's life. We hold on to our work in the most physical way possible. Identifying with another profession is like cheating on the love of your life. Intellectually we dancers understand the daunting day of having to hang up the ole pointe shoes, but physically and emotionally we are enslaved by our own attachment.